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There I was, walking down the street, window shopping and eyeing all the goodies my budget won’t allow me to buy. My hair was bouncing, and it was long. Just like it was about seven years ago, when it hung halfway down my back—the days when people asked me, “Is that your hair, or is it a weave?” Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window. My hair was straight!

Oh, no! After all that conditioner, walking around the house wearing plastic bags on my head, the research, the … detangling.

I went and straightened my hair again!

Are you kidding me? What was I thinking?

I have to laugh at myself. I keep having these dreams where I “accidentally” relax or texturize my hair, and all my hard work at staying natural goes to naught, and I have to begin my growing process all over again. This is ironic considering, every now and then, I keep thinking, “I should cut my hair into a teeny weeny afro [TWA] again!” And I’ve had that very thought as recently as last week.

What lures me back to that style? Is it the easy care of a TWA? the fact that my curls seemed more defined? the wash-and-go’s, even in winter? I’m not sure, but I do miss that hair style. My hair grew like wildfire then, probably because I didn’t stress my hair as much, though I did have a hard time keeping my hands out of my hair, since I loved the feel of my curls.

Perhaps that was it, after all. That’s actually when I fell in love with my curls—my natural texture—and I felt comfortable with myself, after all those years.

So, why all these dreams of destroying my natural hair handiwork? I must be working through my suppressed fears or something. Deep down, maybe I want to go back to that, because if I relaxed my hair again, I’d definitely do a big chop again, and love my resulting TWA.

Sigh.

Time for another pre-wash deep conditioning treatment …

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